VOY 3x26: Scorpion Part 1
Is there some kind of Starfleet form I can sign to opt out of transporter hacks you “just came up with”?
What’s left on the other end:
“I have to fart but I don’t know where to lean…”
Glad to see I’m not the only one who ever thought of this.
I’m always a bit disappointed with how safe and PG Star Trek is. Because transporters would be an awesome way to put some gruesome body horror into the series.
It really is the scariest thing by far on any ship. The ‘science’ behind transporters basically makes it a murder machine if it works correctly. I want to see what horrors beyond imagination can occur when that thing messes up or is deliberately sabotaged.
You say that, but the warp core is also pretty nasty stuff. Not only is it full of flesh melting radiation and coolant, but a slight knock will cause it to explode, at least on any ship built in the 24th century.
At least you can not use a transporter. You kind of scuffed if you’re on a warp core powered ship and it suddenly goes up in smoke.
Well sure, the warp core is inherently dangerous. But they seem to have a good grasp on the radiation aspect as well as general safety. It’s also a fairly acceptable trade off to sail among the stars at faster than light speed.
But the transporter? I consider it an inherently evil and untrustworthy device. It basically kills the user, sends an energy beam and reassembles an entity at the other end that thinks it’s the person who just stepped on the pad.
We know this is how it works, because we’ve seen incidents that clearly show us. In TOS ‘The Enemy Within’, Kirk is split into two people. And similarly, in TNG’s ‘Second Chances’, the transporter again splits Riker into two people.
Logically, if the transporter sent and reassembles the actual matter, clearly it wouldn’t be able to make perfect copies. You’d end up with two half scale copies at best. So, the matter used to reassemble is not the same matter that was disassembled. Therefore, the transporter inherently murders anyone who uses it.
So nooooo thank you, I’m taking the shuttle.
In the first film, “Star Trek: The Motion Picture,” a horrific transporter accident occurs in the first act. It’s kind of a plot point as the Chief Science Officer (a Vulcan we only briefly meet at Starfleet HQ) is killed along with another poor soul, necessitating Mr. Spock’s return to his seat. It’s fairly graphic, you hear screaming and see deformed humanoid shapes in the transporter “light show” on the ship’s platforms… the transporter technician says “oh no, they’re forming” shortly before what’s left of them is beamed back down to San Francisco. Starfleet ground control then confirms to Kirk and Co that “what made it back didn’t live long.”
Later (like only three or four scenes later), we are told that Dr McCoy doesn’t want to use the transporter to board the ship -likely because of the obvious inherent danger of the device- but is ordered to beam aboard by Kirk. His worry is then played for laughs… as if not an hour ago two people got melted and died. It’s a bizarre shift in tone, only made weirder by the framing of Bones as an old Luddite for being scared to use it.
And Bones had no problem using it in TOS, so it didn’t even make much sense.
The danger of the transporter is not really talked about in TOS, outside of accidentally sending folks to the Mirror universe. Wait, I’m just realizing… so, on top of possibly causing untimely (not instant enough for my liking) death and nonconsensual cloning, any old transporter can also accidentally create a portal to fully up-and-running interplanetary fascism. It’s just a dangerous technology all the way down.
Geordie: Reg, transporting really is the safest way to travel.
Reg: Didn’t one of them turn you into a ghost last week?
ENT did a little bit of body horror with the transporters since they were still new in-universe. One of the away team was beamed up during a storm, and some branches and leaves blew into the beam and became integrated into him when he rematerialized. He got better.
I’m hazy on the specifics, but in DS9, someone sabotaged the transporter and the contact they were supposed to meet burned alive during rematerialization. That was pretty gory for Trek.
Galaxy Quest went all the way and turned the pig-monster inside out lol … and then it exploded.
Same thing happened to Jeff Goldblum but he got weirder
I don’t get the reference, but I want to. What movie was that?
The Fly?
Yes.
Well, it creates a copy of you in another place and renders the real you apart atom by atom. That’s pretty metal IMO.
No thanks
Nah… probably just missing their clothes and equipment.
Could I theoretically lock onto the poop in my lower intestine and the piss in my bladder and beam them out of myself so I don’t have to go to the toilet?
No. Piss is stored in the balls.
You could save money on circumcisions by beaming your foreskin out into space
Lol, a few years ago on the alien site, I wrote a scene for The Orville as a “what if The Orville suddenly got transporters” That was basically the premise of it.
If there’s interest, and I can find it (I saved it to a text file somewhere before nuking my account), I can post it here.
Please, enlighten me with your wisdom.
Found it in “Unsaved Document 4.txt” LOL
MERCER: I have to pee. Bortus, you have the conn. BORTUS: Aye, sir. MALLOY: Why not just use the teleporter? GRAYSON: You pee in the teleporter booth? That's disgusting! MALLOY: What?! No! Of course not. Watch. [The bridge crew watch as Mallloy presses buttons on his console to initiate a site-to-site teleport. He then switches the main screen to display a view off the starboard bow where an amber blob of liquid materializes and begins to boil and freeze into an icy nebula] MALLOY: Ahhhhh. MERCER: Did you just...? Gordon, you're relieved. MALLOY: You bet I am! MERCER: No, I mean get out. GRAYSON: Wait a minute. I remember right after we got the teleporters installed, we spent two months in orbit around Galavar VI. During that time their moon mysteriously and miraculously developed a ring system. That was you? LAMARR: Yeah, I, uh, might have helped with that. ALARA: Me too. MALLOY: Yeah, and even Issac got in on it. ISSAC: That is impossible as I am an artificial lifeform and do not produce urine. However, I do require periodic coolant flushes which could be considered crudely analogous. MALLOY: And do you have any record of coolant flushes during that time? ISSAC: [BEAT] I do not. To use your parlance: You. Bastard. BORTUS: Is that why my Ja'loja is late this year? Dr. Finn was unable to determine...[INTERRUPTED BY MERCER] MERCER: [PICARD FACEPALM] Oh my God. [BEAT] You know what? It's fine. Gordon, you're fine. Return to your station and set a course for Galavar VI. We've got to go tell them their holy miracle ring is just a bunch of piss. It's fine. GRAYSON: Ed? MERCER: You know what they say: there's a good story and a bunch of idiots behind every warning label.LoL I wouldn’t surprise if this is actually a real idea from the show’s writers. Fit the show so well. Though the show’s runners has made it clear that they do not want to use a teleporter because the story would be much more interesting without one or something like that.
Brilliant work!
whenever I see transporter memes, it reminds me that no one in starfleet needs to die. they could save and update your pattern. you’d only lose the away mission.
:|
Imagine murdering a bunch of space travelers and they all come back while you’re still looting the bodies.
would make a great short story
Pretty sure that’s explained in canon by being too compute and storage intensive. You can’t store a person’s pattern in any medium, apart from the buffer.
And in there it’s only very temporarily before breaking down (see scotty in the Dyson sphere or m’bengas kid)
and I’m pretty sure any society advanced enough to develop FTL can figure out the storage problem lol.
also, scotty was in that pattern buffer for 75 years lol. All I’m saying is if scotty can rig that up in a crashed ship (IN A CAVE) star fleet probably could figure something out.
cut to the planet below, where there are three puddles of meat and clothes gurgling in pain and disappointment
I always looked Galaxy Quest’s take on this:
“But the pig-beast is inside out… and now it has exploded.”
Yeah, that’s one of those tropes I hate pretty much everywhere, but (old) Star Trek is great enough to look past it.
They are skilled and professional. But how incompetently was the playbook written, if pretty much everyone can come up with something previously not derived spontaneously, if it’s that easy?
I generally view them as developmental or unreliable methods. A 20% risk of killing everyone involved is horrifying for a normal away mission return. However, the same risk for pulling a team away from imminent death is a lot more tolerable.
This also explains how they can implement them so quickly, it’s already buried in the codebase.
IMO, it’s essentially the duality of techno babbling. In the hands of good writers it can enhance an already well written story.
In bad writing, it’s often used as a fluff drama element, sometimes even becoming deus ex machina.
“Good enough, they’ll take the (space-)night shift. I’ll double the calcium rations.”
It was just like a clueless captain to say “energize” as if that’s going to magically make it work. Like, I’m trying to invent a whole new field of engineering here, Kathryn. Maybe step off a bit if you want them back in one piece.
- Torres (later to Vorik over a mug of something replicated and syntheholic)
Instead of a DNR (do not resuscitate), create a DNTH (do not transporter hack)
Space October memes, engage!!
