Also, how hasn’t anyone learned that this kind of thing is an absolute guarantee? “It’s happened countless times. But it might not this time!”

Dorks. Put that shit back up. It’s neat!

But, everyone loves boobs. Not everyone loves dick. Flashing a dick is often interpreted as aggressive. Tits, not so much. Everyone has put boobs in their mouth and liked it at one point during their lives. A good chunk of people have never sucked a dick (or want to).

We all love boobs. They kept most of us alive when we were little and they’re fun as fuck when we’re older. Most people are behind the “free the nipple” thing. Why you trying to see less boobs? The world is already such a dark place without less boobs.

More boobs, I say. Boobs everywhere. Boobs for everyone. Boobs could bring the world together. And then, we could finally heal.

Hell yeah! Thanks! Never wanted to get married. But I super do, now! I can’t wait to point out her ass to all the staff at our retirement home.

I played a song I wrote about cannibalism at an open mic night she was bartending at. She told me she liked my song and gave me a high five. I wanted to ask her out, but didn’t want to corner her while she was working, so I made some jokes and left.

She sent me a friend request on Facebook, so I sent her a message asking her out. Said something like, “Yo. You’re real pretty, and I wanted to ask you out, but doing that kind of thing while you’re behind a counter seemed uncool.” She said she was flattered, but she just started seeing somebody (I missed her by a week). She asked if I wanted to be friends, and I told her I was super attracted to her, so I wasn’t all that into being friends (in a super unshitty way). Being buds with someone I have a crush on is almost always a bad idea. But I didn’t completely close the door either.

I kept running into her, and we wound up getting closer anyway. I kept my boundaries (for the most part), and never hid that I was interested in her beyond friendship, but also wasn’t a lil creep about it, nor did I pressure her about anything, or try to guilt-trip, or any of those yucky things dudes do when they’re interested in someone who wants friendship. I was just very clear that I liked being around her, but wasn’t trying to be her best friend or anything from the get.

Her boyfriend was an abusive alcoholic, and like two yearas later, wound up on jail for a few months on his third DUI. She started hanging out more, I made my move, she dumped him while he was in jail (the only real safe way to do it), and now we’re engaged as fuck.

Sometimes people have to work shitty relationships out of their system, and I kinda pride myself on finding the balance on being around and available, but not TOO available, and real clear about my intentions. Wound up with the coolest, prettiest, kindest person I have ever met. I got hella lucky.