My father just died in his sleep. He had passed by the time the paramedics arrived.
They still did their best, which I am very grateful for, but they even an entire trash bag full of used instruments that were stuffed under the bed for some reason
I’m glad that I found it sooner over later but it’s mildly infuriating that they just discarded their medical waste under his bed.
(NSFW some blood)
I’ve been taking care of him for over 5 years and it’s made things a lot harder for me, seeing all of that all over.
Caring for a family member is an incredibly hard, immersive, 24/7 experience (as you know) but then when they die suddenly and with no warning, emotionally it’s like going from the fires of hell into a barren snowy tundra with ZERO transition: one second it’s everything all the time, and then nothing at all.
If your entire world feels surreal right now, that’s absolutely normal. And I totally understand how going through all that just to have your hand plunged into bodily fluids that are also death related would just be waaaaaay too fucking much for your brain to handle.
And it is, but only for now. You will adapt, and faster than you think.
But there’s a way you can help the process. In the meantime, whenever that thought comes up (and it will, as you know) I’d like you to try a two part experiment.
The first part is to visually push it farther and farther away from you. Don’t try to stop it or push it out altogether; that gives it more power. But what you CAN do is change it and make it more emotionally neutral. Right now you’re remembering as though it is happening now, today, which is part of the pain, but you can change that part of it too. So when the visual comes up, as soon as you remember that it is a memory, visualize it farther away from yourself, as though you are watching yourself discover the bag from across the room. Don’t try to stop it, just change the point from where you are looking at it in your mind’s eye. You can also try framing it externally, as though you were watching it on a television screen, or from outside a window looking in. But whatever way works for you, place the visual away from yourself.
The second part is to match it at the same time with a thought that brings you some relief, like reminding yourself that he’s not tormented anymore, or knowing that you honorably completed your filial duty, or knowing that your care allowed him to pass at home in his own bed instead of in an institution, or recognizing that it was your privilege to be the first one to care for his body when he passed and to have the honor of cleaning his last mess, for all the times you were a kid and he lovingly cleaned yours (if he did).
Obviously I’m just guessing here, but you get the idea. I’m throwing these ideas out because they are what would occur to me (I’m proud of you for all of them!) but they might not work for you. Either way, you get the gist. So you pick something that has meaning to YOU, something that elevates this memory from the place where the paramedics left it under the bed and allows your brain to incorporate it into the loving relationship you had with him. Pick such a thought now, so it’s ready for you when you need it.
So the next time you remember this ugly scene, visually place it across the room, watching yourself discover the bag from a distance, and use that moment to also remember who you are to him, what you were to each other, and how that experience of finding the bag, though unpleasant, was also a deeply loving act on your part, a task that you discharged honorably and with dignity even though you didn’t ask for it, and how it means that now you can both rest easy.
Do this every time you remember, for as long as the memory is upsetting. The power of it should fade rapidly, along with the deep unpleasantness of it.
Give it a shot, it should help. If you ever need to chat hit my DMs; I’ve been there. In the meantime I’m wishing you peace.
EDITED for clarity
Thank you very much. This is something that I really needed to hear.
I feel like I’m walking through a fog, having to do the same things I did dealing with death stuff that I had to do for my grandmother not but 3 months ago.
I will for sure do that sort of meditation and I will see if it works. I’m sure it will as it seems like a good way to hack a memory…
Thank you so much for taking the time that you did to write that out for me.
You’re quite welcome. Expect it to feel surreal and foggy for a while, though it should begin to get a bit better in a week or so as your brain slowly adapts to the New Normal. Those intrusive memories of the bag are just your brain looking for resolution to what was a compound trauma; by rearranging the memory AND linking it with a resolving cognition, you don’t change or undo it, you just give your brain something with which to say oh, okay, guess I can file that now. “Hack” is exactly the right word.
You woke up to find your life just as completely cratered as if it had been hit by a meteor, so don’t expect a quick return to normalcy. It’s going to feel very surreal and “not right” for a while, though that too will lessen each day. You already know from your grandmother, but it will come in waves. All you can do is ride them out with as much self-care and self-kindness as you can muster.
Just take it day by day, speak kindly to yourself, don’t make big decisions, and let the days and hours fill themselves with normal living. It WILL be normal, soon enough. And you WILL be fine, in time.
But right now your brain is still staring blankly at that crater going WTF??? so be understanding of your own needs.
Thank you for letting me know it helped. Someday you’ll be telling someone else how to walk this path yourself. I wish you all the best.
EDITED for clarity