21M, my life right now is such a mess.
My childhood feels deficient in some things, I really want to move out, my life is spread over multiple countries and I can’t decide how to fit each into my future, I’m struggling & demotivated at university, and I’ve had no success dating and just can’t figure out why.
I have a long term plan to get myself out of this but I’m afraid that the plan may prioritize the wrong things or be naively ambitious or specific. I’m AuDHD and seeing as it was my thinking that got me into this mess, my plan to fix it is probably riddled with the same mistakes. Which would mean I’d stay stuck where I am.
What would really help me is to consult my plan with a wise person who has watched many people’s life trajectories and who would be able to advise me on what parts of my plan are naive or likely to fail. Since I am AuDHD, I also need someone who will alert me to the sorts of narrow-minded ways of thinking that got me to where I am, because I am obviously blind to these. Or maybe the problem is that I think too much altogether. I can ask for individual pieces of advice on Lemmy but I’m looking for someone who would look at my life in a more holistic way.
What sort of person would be able to help me? I have tried coaching but coaches seem to focus more on CBT and have lacked the wisdom that I am looking for here.
As others have said here, it sounds like you’re looking for probably a psychologist or maybe a psychiatrist.
Also keep in mind that nobodies an expert in everything, especially probably not in all the things a single random individual would need them to be, so you’re probably going to be better served splitting these questions up between multiple people, while a good psychologist would be the more holistic sounding board to help you work through decisions you’re struggling with or second guessing. For example, a psychologist probably isn’t going to have really deep insight into breaking in to something like the Computer Science field, or whatever you’re in to. Taking that further, they probably really aren’t going to be able to advise you when you decide you’re really interested in Cybersecurity, then Offensive Cybersecurity specifically, then even more specifically weaponizing custom kernel exploits. Ideally you’d want to find a mentor in the field you’re in for that kind of advice.
Also, as others have said, your 20s are going to be messy for most people. Fuck, at 20 I was in an Infantry battalion and thought I was going to make a career in the Corps. At 21 I was dealing with the fallout from that, and thought I was going to make a career out of being a mechanic. At 24 I was back in school not knowing wtf I wanted to do. At 28 I was in IT, thinking I’d be a network engineer and eventually architect. At 30 I was in a SOC thinking I’d do SOC analyst shit for my entire career. At 32 I was in offensive cybersecurity. Shit is going to change on you, you just have to lean into the roll and stay moving forward with it. If you told me at 21 I’d be doing what I’m doing now I’d have laughed. Set your big goals, but focus on the smallest steps forward to achieve them and reassess your goals after every few steps you take.
Therapy (with an MFT or PhD therapist) and a gym membership can do amazing things for you at 21.
No single person will have all the answers. You may find a Yoda to help with your career, but they probably won’t have the life answers you’re interested in. That’s what your 20s are about: figuring yourself out and putting yourself together.
My 20s were about figuring myself out. My 30s were about figuring the system (economy, etc) out. Now I’m in my 40s, I understand the system, and don’t like it.
First off, you are 21. Be okay with that. When I was 21 I definitely didn’t have my shit together. It’s a crap economy everywhere.
Take less classes. If you need to focus your studies, do so. It took me 4.5 years to get my 2 year degree. Finally got my driver’s license, got a shitty car, and got a decent job in 2 weeks. Talk about hurry up and wait. I was 23.
Don’t beat yourself up things will get better. I have friends that are in their late 30s/mid 40s that live with their parents. Not because they messed up, but they could never get ahead.
I had a teacher once say to me, “Aim for the moon, if you miss you will end up in the stars” It was accurate. Set lofty goals, sometimes with the expectation of failing. Take Retirement it’s an odd example. I want to retire at 48. Will I? Fuck no. But is it a failure if I retire at 53?
I have OCD, Anxiety, Panic Disorder, Dyslexia, Sensory issues, Insomnia, Anemia, and heart issues. But I also was born stubborn. And being stubborn was a gift. Don’t give up.
Woah.
coaches seem to focus more on CBT
Cock and Ball Torture??? You need different coaches. That took a wild turn.
You’re not gonna like this:
Stick with the cbt. If every professional you go to puts you on it then they all see that you’re lacking what sometimes get referred to as basic life skills or coping skills. It’s okay if that’s the case, that’s why cbt exists.
It won’t help you understand your life, but it will help you change the ways you’re fucking up and that will give you the opportunity to gain understanding by lowering your stress level and improving your chances of making it through college, which would make things easier if you did.
Don’t worry about dating. Its fucked everywhere and the only good dating advice is get an emotional outlet, a therapist and work at a bar.
It used to be when people wanted wisdom they’d ask their grandparents or equivalent. Just a thought.
Just to clarify, basic skills do not equate to common skills. Everyone goes through stages and situations in life that they are not mentally equipped to handle. Incidentally, situations like that is a good pivot point for acquiring said skills. Also CBT helps you doing this, even though it is a little boring.
I’m a wise person. I have a discord server dedicated to helping people with their identities, including neurodivergence and sexuality. But you will end up meeting some very queer people with identities you never knew existed, and you’ll have to be respectful.
